Today I woke up feeling refreshed, not tired. Can we please bag this morning and let it out every day?

I helped Jinny today and of course we discussed Mystery Monkey, who was caught on video the other day creeping cautiously across a lawn and helping himself to seeds in a bird feeder. He had to lift the lid off the feeder, no prob for Smarty Pants, and he grabbed handfuls of seed. He made two appearances. The poor thing is hungry. This is all fine and dandy. Jinny couldn't figure out which neighbor filmed this, which of course ended up on the TV news all day, showing the film and all. Jinny knows all her neighbors in Driftwood well.

So why couldn't she figure out which yard it was? BECAUSE that spunky monkey had traveled to a whole different neighborhood, MILES away, at the very southern tip of St. Petersburg, that's why. He has been there before, too. So this is where he was filmed, in the Pink Streets. I couldn't believe it, how does this monkey do this? What a total character. He's all finesse. No wonder he now has 70,000 world-wide fans. Poor Charlie Crist, our governor. He only has 37,000 Facebook fans. Mystery Monkey for Governor!, ha, ha! Mystery Monkey for President!!! At least if his policies went sour he could disappear and no one would ever find him again. No chance. (I hope I'm not being too sacrilegious and uncouth.)

Somehow in my travels today I wound up in the Dollar Store. I was first introduced to the Dollar Store when a very good family friend took me there on my birthday a few years ago, 7.66 years ago, to be exact. She had raved about the Dollar Store and felt my life would be utterly lacking if I did not know what I was missing. Did that make any cents?, ha, ha. And she was absolutely right, it was one of my most fun birthdays EVER. I think she gave me $25 to spend. We spent forever with a small "f" in there. We are gushers, and we flooded the place with Ooohs and Aaahs that afternoon. Every item was more spectacular than the last . . . and, Gasp!, hand on chest, only ONE DOLLAR!

By the time we checked out I had a buggy full. Her $25 gift was long gone. I dug around in my purse for cash to make up the dif and came up virtually empty (that's a big fault of mine, I'm somehow allergic to carrying cold, hard cash). At that time the store didn't take credit cards. So, do you know how much I spent at the Dollar Store that day??? FIFTY-SEVEN BUCKS!!!! When I told people the story they were incredulous, How could ANYONE spend FIFTY-SEVEN BUCKS at the DOLLAR STORE, for crying out loud????

You know what, I have no idea how that could happen. But it happened, easy, and my friend had to cough up (shiver, I'm so inelegant tonight, and my friend is so VERY elegant) the additional $32. What's interesting about that, besides the obvious, is that this same friend has a story about my granny, how Granny invited all her friends to luncheon at the Maas Brothers Department Store Elegant Upstairs Restaurant where it was all open to the downstairs and you could look out over the balcony rail and view the shoe department below. And when the waiter brought the check, Granny didn't have any money in her purse. The orange doesn't fall far from the tree.

Back to my Dollar Store story. Then my elegant friend and inelegant I crossed the parking lot to the nearest ATM so I could immediately reimburse her. I insisted. Well, that ATM was not my bank, so I got to pay their "THIS IS NOT YOUR BANK" fee. Well, whatever, I mean, I just got the bargain of my life at the Dollar Store, FIFTY-SEVEN items for only THIRTY TWO dollars. Whew, I thought I was smarter than Bill Gates.

Well, today I was out running errands and then it hit me, the Dollar Store is right here. It also hit me that I had two Dollar Store gift cards burning a hole through my new loud purse. Gift cards are tricky. You have to actually spend them. One card had $4.67 on it and the other one had $19.00. Wow, I was almost back at square one, almost $25 to spend. Fun, fun.

So, up and down the aisles I roam. At first I take no cart. I think to moiself, I shall browse the whole Dollar Store and then I shall go back and scoop up all the dollar items I picked out (they're all dollar items, you know). Well, 5 "give me-give me" trinkets later, I realized, This is not going to work. So I started dropping things in a basket. Here, my friends, is a list of what $25 will do for you at the Dollar Store:

VOILA! bridal shower gift bag, drawings of vintage brides, pale yellow, adorable.

Goody 6 Pack Bobby Slides for moi.

Goody 6 Pack Bobby Slides for DTD.

Goody Stage Three Smooth Finish Pack of Two Hairbrushes, small one for moi, large one for DTD. What we will do without Stages One and Two, I don't know. But rest assured, Stage Three Finish (funny word) on dry hair takes out the static. You are left with Smooth hair. Of course I will be utilizing Stage Three brush on my wet head, I have no doubts. Wet head must require Stage One, I assume. Hope I don't get electrocuted. Anyway, the promise is, Three Steps To Fabulous Hair. Listen, I could use some fabulous hair. I'm in some pictures from the boarding school 75th celebration. They went up on Facebook, Uggy ugh. Somehow, my hair didn't show up at the 75th. I have no head hair in these pictures. You think I'm kidding. Think again. My granny didn't like her picture taken, and I don't either. Granny scowled in most of her pictures, all three of them. No one takes my picture, I don't even know how to do it anymore. I get all weirded out. Hair that's seen Stage Three might help.

Ladies No Show Sports Socks, 3 Pair (the heel had better not slide down to the toe, although for $.33 a pair, I'm not sure what I should be expecting, eh?).

Box of 40 Doggy Clean-Up Bags, Fragranced.

Box of 40 Doggy Clean-Up Bags, Fragranced. I stock.

Natural Wood Clothespins, 36 Count. Don't really need 'em, but, hey, they were purty, and I had almost $25 to spend.

WOW! AS SEEN ON TV www.theoriginalshammy.com GERMAN DESIGN and GUARANTEED TO WORK! Aren't they kind?

ZWIPES Super-Cleaning MicroFiber Polishing Cloth for Furniture, Model 321, 90,000 fibers per square inch. (I believed that??)

ZWIPES Super-Cleaning NEW! MicroFiber Fluffy Cloth, Model 882. And I thought I had lived a full life.

ZWIPES NEW! (Suckers like moi keep the NEW! in ZWIPES) MicroFiber Folding Super Duster, FEEL the Cleaning Power, Model 326.

ZWIPES (I'm not kidding) Super-Cleaning MicroScrubber Dual-Purpose Cleaning SPONGE, ZWIPES Makes Normal Sponges OBSOLETE, model 343.

As you can see, I am missing ZWIPES Models 1-320, 322-325, 327-342 and 344-881. My arsenal of Advanced Microfiber Cleaning Technology is hardly complete. I will require an additional $877 to spend at the Dollar Store in order to possess the full inventory of ZWIPES, Models 1 - 882, so I can thoroughly clean house the modern way. (Notice, please, I am out playing games instead of at home, actually cleaning.)

O-Cel-O no scratch* scrub sponge, clean with style!

Tablecloth, 100% Vinyl, Vintage Blue Checks and Flowers Pattern (we all grew up with it, except in red). This is so I don't have to send my boring white tablecloths to the cleaners and waste $14. $1 vs. $14 X many times a year, do the math. I hope it fits my table, I can never remember my dining room table size, can you remember yours? I go by how many the table seats. I can't even remember my New Balance tennis shoe size, which, btw, doesn't run true to size, even after how many times have I bought them?, how, pray tell, am I supposed to remember my table dimensions? HUH??

Westcott Since 1872 2-Eraser Pack, Softer and Ergonomic Latex Free.

Scotch 3M Permanent Double Sided Tape. Heh, heh, heh, MADE IN THE USA. Someone pass the smelling salts.

Scotch 3M Transparent Tape, 2-Pack. MADE IN THE USA. Hoo-ray for the Red, White and Blue!

Am I almost to 25?, I'm EXHAUSTED!!!

Reynolds Wrappers Pre-Cut Pop-Up Foil Sheets, 25 Sheets (too bad I all ready have two boxes of these hiding in cabinet in laundry room).

New York Style Risotto CHIPS, Parmesan & roasted garlic. I'm going to dive into those if I ever FINISH THIS BLOG!!!!

Old Fashioned Foods SHARP CHEDDAR Cheese Snack Spread. It's spreadable.

AND LAST BUT FAR FROM LEAST, sitting on a table full of bread products, Nature's Own Whitewheat Sliced Enriched Buns. With No High Fructose Corn Syrup, news to moi. Stamped on the package is Best If Used By AUG 18. I wonder what year they are talking about. When I pointed this date out to the young boy cashier, his words of wisdom were to eat the buns in July and then promptly sue Nature's Own. Hmmm, April, May, June, July. If I consume these buns on August 18, I expect 10 days later, on my birthday, that you can place a cake on the lid of my coffin. The party must go on. That was my granny's attitude. Heck, she didn't even want a funeral because why should her friends miss their hair appointments . . . for THAT?

I'm going back to count the items, they had better add up to 25!

Oh grief, it's only 22. Okay, so I bought a 1 inch 3 ring binder, made with durable plastic and round rings and everything.

Ta-da! I bought two packs of 3 pack Binder Clips. Val-Toad told me binder clips are the only way to go for securing your opened bags of potato chips and things. I found gorgeous (well, okay, very cute) binder clips in orange and purple flowers, with green leaves. Can you believe it??

I hope you all appreciate that I just rummaged through my goopy kitchen garbage can in order to reconstruct my shopping spree and deliver this blog, fresh to you. I hope it changes your life . . . for the better. I mean, if you aren't out there right now stuffing your buggies with Stage Three Hairbrushes, ZWIPES Galore and Aug. 18 Hamburger Buns, then I just plain give up.

So, with tax, after gift cards, I owed the Suing Boy $2.28. I think. I was too busy processing his buns advice to go figure. At least I had the cash on me, whew! Well, 25 dollar do-dads for $2.28 is MY KIND of shopping.

On my way to spread my spreadable cheese spread on New York Style Chips actually headquartered in New York, hope they didn't really come from China ten years ago,
KEM