Does someone want to tell me why I have a bag of sprouting pearl onions that never got used for Thanksgiving sitting on my washing machine?

Toodles,
KEM

Did you have a merry Christmas? Last night while I was working I played Josh Groban's Christmas CD. That makes everything all better. Some of the arrangements on there are brilliant . . . brilliant. I could listen to these songs millions of times.

I got what you might call an unusual Christmas present from Mike. He gave me a pink and brown glazed antique spittoon. Try to top that one, will you? He's not a big shopper so after leaving the cigar store due to the smokey atmosphere, he went to the nearest antique shop (which was across the street, let's not tax the man), which houses millions of do-dads, and what do you know, but there was the perfect spittoon. He could have searched the world over, or at least one more antique store (let's not tax the man), and not found a more suitable cuspidor for his beloved. It beats all, I tell you. He's been asking for the last couple of years, Do you want a brass or silver spittoon? This pink number is much more feminine than harsh cold metal, eh?

He also is handing me the dough from his singing class. I might go buy Calphalon pots and pans, since the TRY ME Calphalon omlette pan makes such great crepes and is such a cinch to clean. As opposed to my SaladMaster cookware that has to be cleaned with an abrasive powder that is probably killing me but is advertised to last a lifetime unless the powder kills you first. Or unless the handles come loose, then what? After 27 years (TWENTY SEVEN YEARS?????!!!!!!) of excellent service, well, the handles have jiggled loose and when I called about getting them fixed, oh no, Sister, mail the whole set in and we'll give you new handles. Oh no, brother, not so fast. Honestly, to replace the handles you may as well buy a whole new set of SaladMaster. And I don't have the dough for that. So, this should be a no brainer, but I'm attached to my faithful cookware, it's really very good. It's waterless cookware, for crying out loud. It should be obvious that my SaladMaster has served me well but it's time to move on, especially eliminating the aluminum powder that I breathe in daily and is probably killing my sinuses, at the very least, the powder or newsprint. I found out tonight that my dinner guests are allergic to newsprint. Okay, I'm so spent that I have no idea what I'm saying . . . next topic.

Then my stepson outdid himself for me. I'm telling you, I expect the earth to cease orbit tomorrow. He gave me a darling plaque of Audrey Hepburn. Miss Hepburn is looking straight at me. She has a weird hat on with leaves floating all around. She holds her sunglasses across her mouth. The quote is: My look is attainable. Women can look like Audrey Hepburn by buying the large sunglasses and the little sleeveless dresses." What are we waiting for?

He also got me the Vidalia Chop Wizard . . . As Seen on TV. I've always wondered about such miracle contraptions, now I shall know. His manager has Chop Wizard and highly advised giving it as a gift. It brags on the box: Fastest/safest/easiest way to chop or dice fruits, vegetables & more! (I love the "& more" part). With one swift motion. This is good because all of my knives are about as sharp as a pancake. Whenever I'm in JoAnn's and see SIGN UP TO GET YOUR KNIVES SHARPENED, KNIFE SHARPENER COMING TO TOWN, well, that's exactly what I need to sign up for. But it never materializes for me. Anyway, with Chop Wizard, all your chopped goods drop into a box below, gorgeously diced by Hi quality stainless steel blades that never need sharpening. Not only that, it comes with a BONUS!! -- Free dicer blade (as opposed to the mere chop blade). It minimizes hand contact with onions, it's easy to clean and, moreover, has non-skid feet. AND. And it has a lid cleaning tool. Why how did the world ever get on before this little item broke onto the scene? Onions, carrots, peppers, apples, mushrooms, zucchini, eggs and MORE are no match for Chop Wizard. Honestly, he should have given me this yesterday, when what was I chopping by hand for chicken pot pie but onions, carrots, peppers, mushrooms, zucchini, potatoes, turnips, celery and MORE. For crying out loud, what are we waiting for?

Then he threw in a box of those chocolates with liquid cherry centers. WOW! BRAVO! Well done, Stepson.

DTD commented that one of the gifts I gave her was in a bag that she's seen, oh, maybe the past dozen Christmases. Well, good for me.

I have three lovely friends for dinner. When Mike was leaving to pick up one guest, the other couple was arriving. FORTY-FIVE MINUTES EARLY. Well, at least 15 minutes early because I gave a broad window for arrival time. But it was definitely 15 minutes early. I was still in my work clothes trying to throw a salad together (Chop Wizard anyone?) when Mike reappeared and said, Umm, they're here already. I'm like, You're kidding! STALL THEM! I ran upstairs and threw on my, thankfully, predetermined outfit while Mike gave them a tour of the yard. Whew, that was a close call.

Well, the one friend brought a fabulous assortment of pre-dinner treats (since I can't spell you-know-what). She is a total spirit-lifter, so sweet. We enjoyed our dinner with Mr. Groban in the background. Then we exchanged gifts. Everyone was pooped and we called it a night.

Okay, that's all she could spit out. One last tidbit, if you don't have Josh Groban's Christmas CD, you simply MUST have it. Get it TODAY.

Christmas Cheer and Love,
KEM

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! May love abound everywhere!

Love,
KEM

Man, oh, man. Would you like to know how many newspapers an ordinary wicker newspaper basket can handle? An amount beyond reason, that's what. I sorted out my particular accumulation and by golly if I didn't say, HANG IT ALL. Well, I did save the Saturday HOME sections and the Wednesday TASTE sections. I leafed through the sections with the advice columns, but then they hit the can. Honestly, after Christmas I am going to count how many TASTE sections I have, because no one, including this blogger, is going to believe it. You would think I did nothing my whole life but save and stack TASTE sections. It's repulsive. Mike said I was a slave to the newspaper. I've thought of that myself.

The newspaper puts out a fancy slick magazine for the rich and famous, it comes out every two months and it comes in the paper. Sometimes I look through it. You find all kinds of interesting things. Like one time a young woman from Mike's church was on the cover and modeling for a whole spread. Another time there was my former piano student. This article showcased her parents' fabulous house. Very interesting. And then tonight when I was saying to myself, Give it up!, I gingerly flipped through the magazine anyway and there was a big color feature on another former piano student's mother. Her business designs and makes the costumes for So You Think You Can Dance? She was instrumental in getting Dancing With the Stars to the USA and worked on those costumes, too. Now, isn't that interesting? I'm going to have to give up interesting things.

I'm playing lots of tricks to get the house ready for Christmas dinner. Everything cluttery looking is going in trash bags. Then the trash bags are going in the guest room closet. I kinda hope someone mistakes them for trash (well, that would hardly be a mistake) and just heaves them in the can. Now listen here, Mike, don't you dare take me up on that, I don't really mean it. But I have a new motto, A Project A Day Keeps Me From Jumping Into The Bay. That's right, I am going to full out tackle these dumb bags. I moved pretty fast with the newspapers, I can do this. Every day in 2010, something significant is going to happen. Because I don't have time for all this mess. It takes all my spare time to dust, which I've had no spare time of late. Yep, I'm sick 'n tired of the status quo, I'm ready to shake it all up.

Went to the little health food store to buy my Christmas food. When I was checking out the girl said, How are you? I said, Well, I WAS in the Christmas spirit until last night when my dog got so sick. I felt so sorry for sweet little Jazzi, but it was a big infringement on my time, if you know what I mean, sorry to admit it. But you have to take it as it comes. She said, Well, just think, in a couple of days it will all be over. I said, That's one way to look at it. But that isn't really how I feel at all. If I were more organized to begin with, I wouldn't be bagging up clutter at the eleventh hour, now would I? I love Christmas. I love Christmas dinner with friends. And singing afterward. I like that we celebrate Jesus' birth. I just have to get better at it.

Okay, I can't think again, this is becoming a habit, the inability to focus.

KEM the Bagger

When I said yesterday that things would get interesting, I didn't have in mind that my dog would be wretchedly sick tonight, from both ends, all over the house. :)))))))))) Oh boy, well, I know people have so many worse problems than that, so I won't say a lot, just hope and pray Jazzi is okay through the night. Honestly, you'd think she ate the whole back yard and then some. We've been through this before, but not lately. I've had the middle of the night ER visits with her, truly hoping we avoid that, it costs as much as your whole Christmas.

So, I had a little tidbit to toss your way, but all I can think of now is a tuna sandwich. I've been drooling for one for hours, although now, in light of recent events, it doesn't sound quite as appetizing. I absolutely have no idea what I was going to tell you, which is probably to your advantage. Well, one little thing, I hate and despise my Christmas wrapping paper. It's the kind that cracks when you fold it around the corners of boxes, and tears easily. So it has a dark green background with dark pink ornaments on it. Why on earth did I get it? It's from the drugstore, but it's positively hideous and I don't know how I could have picked it out. So all the corners look whitish instead of dark green. Really crummy. Of course, I went ahead and used it 'cause it's all I have. Not to mention no one in my family is going to pick up a wrapped box and say, Hmm, what's with the cheesy paper? Of course, it's so ugly DTD might have to comment about who and why it was picked out. But white corners, never in a million years. Well, I won't make that mistake again, even if this paper WAS made in the USA. That's it, quality wrapping paper from now on. Where do you buy quality wrapping paper? I've had cheap stuff the last few years, but at least it had a cute print on it. This paper has NOTHING going for it. Oh man, now I want to rewrap, but baby, that ain't a gonna happen.

Oh yeah, one more thing. I got a gift to mail to a friend and I was so excited about it that I wrapped it in bubble wrap and put it in the same box my friend mailed me a gift, all packed just so. Then I wrapped the box in brown paper and addressed it. It's sitting on the counter (where else?). So, a couple of days have gone by and it just hit me, I never wrapped the gift, you know what I mean? I should have put this darling breakable thing in a small gift box and wrapped it in lovely Christmas paper and THEN put it in the mailing box and THEN wrapped in brown paper. Gads, I had to write on the brown paper, Umm, I think I forgot to wrap your present. Of course, what if I had used the nasty paper? In that case I'm better off having forgotten to wrap. Well, it's too late now, I ain't about to tear that package apart and start over.

I am too tired to proof read this thing. Let's all just go to bed and hope for great things tomorrow.

Oh, you know what, my Christmas tree is decorated crummy, to go along with the crummy wrapped presents and my crummy decorating in general. Really, if I ever get a little dream cottage, I'm hiring a professional, that's all there is to it. I know just who, a man at Mike's church. Tonight at Singing class he gave us white bark his wife had made. I have ZERO talent for decorating. And you know what, I'm good with that. It doesn't bother me at all. On the contrary, it gives me blogging material.

I love Jesus.

KEM

Hi, are you staying on track to get stuff done? I'm not . . . not exactly. Tomorrow had better count.

Pulled out the manger scene. Years ago a friend gave it to me with the idea that I could add a piece each year. So far, it's still the original, then barn, the babe Jesus in the manger and Joseph and Mary. I could really use a cow.

All right, I can guarantee you that the next few days are going to be interesting for all of us.

BYE,
KEM

Rice flour simply must fall by the wayside. You know, my bag of rice flour made dreadful cherry cupcakes, which I've since been choking down in dump cake form. You know, I am not one to throw out perfectly good organic ingredients, so what if they turned into something perfectly horrid. I dump it down my throat, not the garbage disposal.

So, when I bought rice flour, I also bought Gluten Free! Waffle & Pancake Mix (makes TWO Batches!, lucky me). Free of not only gluten, but also wheat, soy, corn, potato, peanuts, tree nuts, dairy, casein. So what on God's green earth does this leave? RICE. Oh yes, here we come again with rice flour and also tapioca flour, arrowroot flour, rice milk powder, etc. Really, talk about overkill, blindly buying TWO rice flour products, I should have read the label before I got home and decided to make pancakes for lunch today. Well, I got the batter ready and then Mike told me his son was coming over to smooth out the mulch dumped in the driveway (dump is such a great word) and of course he would like pancakes. So, of course I didn't tell Mike we had a brand new rice pancake mix. He took one bite and made a baby temper face, WHAT IS THIS? COME AND TASTE IT, he demanded. So, I tasted it, and truly, it was a far cry from my usual WHEAT pancakes. But he ate them and then his son ate them, after I made him taste them first to check his tolerance. Then they had seconds, meaning they were either starving or the things grew on them. Well, by all that time, I used up the batter and had to make more batter. But trust me, I don't have brains for nothing. I made my pancakes from my old faithful wheat mix. Batch Numbero Dos of rice pancakes is just going to have to wait for a better day. Mike thought that was a dirty trick, but I didn't want to hear about it, since I ate last.

The conclusion of this is that I have a new and great sympathy for people who have to X wheat from their diet -- which is a lot of people these days, judging by the faux products on the shelves, all these stand-ins for normal, regular, good old wheat, the staple of the earth, unless you live in China, I suppose. Maybe Chinese can't stand wheat the way I am beginning to underappreciate rice.

The chorus Mike sings in gave a Christmas concert tonight. It was VERY good, they sang some really doctored up versions -- Jingle Bells and Angels We Have Heard on High, to name two. We ate out afterwards and they sang 'em again -- right in the restaurant. It was fun. We weren't arrested because all the other customers had cleared out. I wouldn't be arrested anyway, because I am not IN the group by virtue of the fact that I cannot sing. I was WITH the group, so I hope I wouldn't be arrested by mere association.

The dinner was very good, ravioli. I needed it, something with some oomph, because up to that point today I had consumed only wheat pancakes, Mississippi Mud (after the choir concert they serve refreshments) and lots of garlic bread waiting for the raviolis (sp). They did not give us salad, which I thought was a crying shame. But they gave us free Santy drinks. Well, I don't drink. Santy ate up the candy cane decoration hooked on the outside of the glass, because I hooked my candy cane on the inside of the glass, in the drink, which I assumed you were supposed to do. It was exceptionally tasty and packed a powerful punch. I think I drank an eighth of a teaspoon.

Here I am blogging instead of vacuuming the guest bedroom and moving a chest of drawers in there and cleaning those drawers so I can start vacuuming music and dumping it in the drawers. I really am going to have to curtail my ambitious cleaning plans for Christmas and just close some doors. We are having three guests for Christmas dinner. At least last night I employed some resolve and started throwing out my old newspapers, with nary a glance . . . well, maybe a teensy glance. But nothing like ordinarily I would do. The sad part, there are millions more papers, it's shocking. But I took that first step and now I must persevere. I hope this leads to shocking changes of lifestyle for me in 2010.

Okay, I must go. I washed my dusty old ironing board cover and I also washed the felt pad underneath, which I knew I shouldn't have done, it didn't seem like a smart idea at the time, as if that ever stopped me. It is now looking like Swiss cheese.

All this food talk is making me hungry. Maybe a dish of apple sauce . . .

KEM