Of Roofers, Nails and Kids' Essays on Me, Me, Me

HOW NOT TO WAKE UP IN THE MORNING. Let's talk about this. It's important. As you may know, yesterday was Day One of Successful Roofing Job (positive thinking here). Today was Day Two of Four. At ten 0'clock in the morning I, who was still asleep, was abruptly awakened by POUND, POUND, POUND. Approximately less than one minute later, while I was still in bed, I heard a final POUND followed almost simulataneously by what I can only describe as a DEATH GROAN. Then, after a slight pause, there were hisses and growls and wincing type noises ending with a second Death Groan. I assumed it was THE END, you'd better know it. I simply froze in my bed with fear -as in SOLID. Yesterday I had prayed BIG TIME that no roofer would fall off the roof and break his neck or worse. Honestly, friends, I was petrified. I was SURE someone had fallen to the ground in a life-taking thud or smashed off their thumb OR SOMETHING. All other actions/sounds on the roof clanked to an instant and THOROUGH cease-hush, as in when something tragic has happened. I can hear all this clatter then silence eloquently because there is a French door in the bedroom that leads to NoWhere. Seriously. It used to lead to a deck kind of arbor thing built on top of the laundry room roof. But we are not the type to fuss with something as high maintenance as THAT. It had to come down. Previous owner had secured the deck by driving nails straight through the laundry roof. REAL SMART. That roof has leaked ever since. So now the French door opens to air. You have to step WAY down to land on the roof. If an inspector ever gives me a bad time about a weirdo door like that, I'm going to tell him it's our fire escape. It is. Then what can he say? Anyway, the head roofer was replacing all the wood on the roof right outside the door, so I was an ear witness, call me to the stand. It was so close he may as well have almost been IN the bedroom.

Well, guess what had happened? Oh yes, SOMETHING happened alrighty. I found out much later because, like I said, I was a block of ice on my mattress, unable to even twitch or breathe. Don't count on me in an emergency. Just don't. In my family if the toilet overflows the best we can do is stand there and scream. So . . . the head roofer had stepped on a four-inch nail, it pierced straight into his foot and touched his bone. And I'm taking it for granted he wasn't barefoot. Listen, that's all the detail I have or want to have. When I saw him late in the afternoon I suggested he go to the doc, but he said he didn't even feel it anymore. Of course not, his foot is probably void of life and ready to fall off. Listen, with roofing, I have a one-track mind consisting of a one-word vocabulary -- FALLING. He assured me he had his tetanus shots. I'm thinking the second Death Groan was when he yanked out the nail. All I know is the very thought of the whole horrible episode causes me to disintegrate all over again. I can HARDLY WAIT until tomorrow. But I'm going to my friend's home clothing party. GOOD TIMING.

Okay, we must move on to a merrier topic. If Day One of Roof was uneventful, Day Two about sent me over the edge.

A most long time ago, when DTD was 8 years old and my stepson was 14, I took them to the grocery store. I thought they could help me shop (??), and we could all, you know, do a little activity together. We had been a family just over a year. When we got inside the store a fight erupted over which flavor of ice cream to buy. DTD wanted Such and Such and stepson wanted Thus and So. Two specific and irreconcilable ideas. And nary the twain shall meet. They each INSISTED on their flavor, neither one would budge a sugar granule. My nerves quickly became disheveled (strong nerves are not my forte). I don't know why I didn't just buy two cartons of ice cream and be done with it, but I didn't. We probably came home with no ice cream because I was disgusted with their unyielding display of My Way, You Take the Highway. So, in a display of my own, one of uncommon brilliance for me, if I don't say so myself, I made them write an essay on what was wrong with their behavior and what they planned to do about it. I will copy below the essays, unedited (although I'm sure I may make a comment or two which I shall distinguish with parentheses).

DTD: 1. I'm sorry. 2. I saw a lady setting on a bench. 3. I falt sorry for her. 4. Nick can peck the ice cream nest time. 5. He can peck the jam too. 6. I will try to do better nest time. 7. She (lady on the bench) was there the hole time we were at Publix. 8. She looked nice. 9. I do not need iney boded to play with at the pool. 10. I will be platet. (pleasant?) 11. And eat all the food they give me (sheesh, like it's poison). 12. I should go to bed ole. 13. I should not be able to watch t.v. for the next (must have made a mistake) week. I should have to wash King (dog) by myself. 14. I did wrong. I will pray that I will do better nest (that's more like it) time. 15. I onley want preants from my famley. 16. And money for the poor from every body else. 17. Nick can cose (choose) the whole summer. 18. I will not complane as much. 19. I should not have 50 cents in my lunch iny more. 20. I should not be albe to buy luch any more.

Now, isn't that totally priceless? She got her spelling talent from her mother, plus, I think she wrote this in a hurry. Nevertheless, it covered a lot of bases and was sweetly expressed. I think she was worried about the poor woman on the bench, who, in all probability, was not going to be getting ANYthing anytime soon, much less a particular flavor of ice cream. I think that woman made quite the impression, at least for that afternoon.

Stepson: I'm sorry I'm not as grateful as I should be. I should be happy with what I have because many people do not have what I have and they would be happy to have what I have. So from now on I should be more happy with what I have. All the poor people in the world are probably happy with what they have so we should be happy with what we have even it its an ice cream flavor you don't like. You shouldn't fight over little things either even if your parent thinks you were talking on the phone for ten minutes and you really only talked on it for 5 minutes, you still shouldn't fight over that. I should also be happy I'm getting a new room (basically). I guess it's worth sleeping on the couch for 2 months, but I should still be happy that my room is being remodeled and it looks totally different. And one day I'll finally be able to sleep in it. So since I have so many great things in my life I should not complain about some ice-cream flavor I don't like or that it is my turn to pick the flavor. So basically the lesson is be happy with what you have because many people don't have what you have.

Well. I thought stepson expressed some very fine sentiments and showed an improved attitude overall. Maybe he was thinking the poor homeless woman would be sleeping on the hard cold bench, and she would be THRILLED to sleep on a warm gooshy surface, even if it was a couch. Nevertheless, I think he drove home the point that he had ISSUES with his room remodel. He decorated his notebook paper by drawing faces around the hole punches. The holes served as noses and he drew frowny mouths below. Also, he left no doubt in my mind that he should be happy to have what he has because many people do not have what he has and would be happy to have what he has so he should be happy to have what he has, etc.

After they wrote their essays, I sat everyone down in the living room and read them aloud. Complete with DTD'S spellings spelled out, you know, Early, O-L-E, which stepson thought was just too hilarious. When I read his paper out loud, though, he even thought that was hilarious, too. Well, it was.

KEM of the Death Groan Shivers and Essay Delights