10:00 AM. POUND. POUND. POUND. I am lying in bed trying to figure the number of men on the roof directly overhead. There is obviously at least one man on the roof, but only two at the most. Then I get nervous thinking about that one man, which he was, rolling off the second story roof. I'm the only one home so that would leave it to me to run downstairs and call 911 and try to resuscitate him. LORD, PLEASE keep him on the roof, in one glorious bronzed piece.

I did Google Kentucky Butter Cake and there are an easy 16,000 references to it on the modern marvel, The Web. One site boasted, Proudly Clogging Arteries Since 1963. I wouldn't doubt it since the recipes I checked each listed a cool 3 sticks of butter per cake -- 2 in the cake and 1 in the glaze. They don't call it BUTTER cake for nothin'. People who eat butter cake regularly probably drop like flies after so many hunks, but that makes them a legend and the family goes right ahead and bakes some more butter cakes. I'm going to try one right away, but I want to wait for the church lady's recipe. I KNOW hers is good, I don't want to mess around. Three sticks of butter! That's almost the whole box! Can't afford to risk that kind of butter on a lesser recipe. One person said their cake turned out dry. WITH 3 STICKS OF BUTTER?? How can that be, that much butter guarantees a gooey mess. That person must be to cakes what I am to plants -- a murderer.

Pertaining to the neat lady from yesterday. I want to know how she has TIME to make and keep a perfectly neat and organized home. What do I do with my time? Everything you ever heard of except keeping house, it appears. My day is so full and busy, just like yours. I guess if I gave up reading the newspaper I could have a tidier house. Ya think? DTD'S second cousin, she's one of those marvels I'm talking about. I've seen her in action. Lovely girl. So of course I had to ask her, HOW DO YOU DO THIS? She said, You come home and put things away right away, EACH TIME. That is correct, every time you use something it has to be redeposited in it's "home." You DO NOT just lay something on a chair or the counter or any ol' where. Okay. So that's it? I have to put things AWAY? Right NOW? My sister has said that storage is not my problem (even though we don't have a garage). She said my problem is empty cupboards and full flat surfaces. I think really my problem is that I suppose I have to clean everything before it can be put away. Because I don't want to mussy up the clean (if they are) cupboards. I at least have to dust off the bottoms of things or vacuum the edge of the book, like I think I've said before. Same goes for refrigerator stuff. But since food HAS to be put away right away, I do that. And I dust off the bottoms of bottles and cartons. My refrigerator shelves are nice 'n clean.

I have to say, it's kind of irritating that these women make it look so easy, like the ENJOY doint it. I want to follow them around some day, see what REALLY goes on. Wanda is who I need. Wanda is a Polish lady who keeps house for my friend. The two of them together keep 8,000 complicated sq. ft. GLISTENING clean. It's just ridiculous and revolting, that anyone can be THAT perfect. I need Wanda to come to my house for a week and give me a jump-start. But that would be too embarrassing for her to see how I live. She's only seen me separate from my house so far. She likes me and I like her and I want to keep it that way.

The other day I DID order my eyebrow sponge pencil, a few days after I said I couldn't wait another second. And it can't get here soon enough. My eyebrows are shades lighter every day because I do not have enough powder left in the sponge to give my eyebrows any beef. Merely dots of color is all I can summon from the sponge. Eyebrows look sparse, like they're thinning, as in balding. So why did I spring for DHC'S offer to "try" their NEW mail delivery service?? It takes at least twice as long to get your package as the regular shipping method, but it's cheaper. But cheaper didn't matter because this month is free shipping. The little marketing ploy that "got" me was, Would you like to save $5 today? Of course I would like to save $5, how do I do it? Why, just agree to the shipping trial. Well, then, LET'S DO IT! So, here I am, frantic for my new eyebrow sponge and it's going to take two weeks to get here. But I will be able to get a "free" ice cream cone when all is said and done. After I fill out the questionnaire how I liked the new cheaper snail mail. Someone, please lift me from the planet.

Just so you know, after four days of using Crest Whitestrips, and not all in a row, my teeth woke up the next morning hurting. But don't mind me, I am just a very sensitive person. If there is the slightest chance for sensitivity issues, count me in. After the 5th application, I can't say my teeth are whiter than snow. They still look exactly the same shade of compromised white as BW, Before Whitestrips. Maybe I'm using them too close to the expiration date. Maybe they are DOA. Or maybe I need to wait and see what happens after the 14 days you are directed to apply them. Some nights I've been too tired to use them by the time I remember, just couldn't swing another 30 conscious minutes. I've been EXTRA tired lately. I'm blaming FRUITEIN, High Protein Energy Shake. At the health food store this lady had a table set up with samples of this shake, it's made from Acai, some miracle berry, right? It was DELISH! The FRUITEIN can brags: Vitamins, Minerals, Enzymes, Herbs and More Than 115 Whole Foods. Wow!, give me some!, I said. See, my doc just told me I was going to lose more bone than EVER BEFORE in the next few years. Cheers! He said I had to take tons of mgs of Calcium and units of Vitamin D EV-A-REE day. So what's a girl to do? Vitamin pills make me nauseous. This drink is so yummy with milk. Well, whenever you drink the drink, suddenly you are zapped of all energy, is that what they mean when they call it an energy shake? If that is the case they should retitle the can, FRUITEIN, High Protein Energy-No-More Shake. Or Energy Shake Down and Out . . . FOREVER. See, Uncle Pete was right, I don't make anything easy. Mike said I was a sucker to buy this powder in a can. I think he was right, I haven't felt good ever since I started on it a couple weeks ago. Talk about a disappointment.

Speaking of Mike, guess what? I lost his eyeglasses today. We went to pick out new frames for him. I KNEW he would walk out of the store having picked out new glasses on the spot. Not like I, who has to see every pair in America, twice, before I make my VERY unsure choice. Not one to be unpredictable, he ordered the new glasses, proud as a peacock. Back in the car I asked, Didn't you even want to check out any other glasses? NO WAY. Then I said, We're going to Tampa to eat at Nordstrom's. Well, somewhere in our wanderings and in and out of the car, I removed his glasses case from the cup holder in-between the seats to stick in my water bottle. That is the last recollection I have of his glasses. As far as I'm concerned, they vanished into thin air, or at least spilled out onto some parking lot where a car has since made them one with the pavement. We didn't know this until we pulled into the driveway and Mike says, Where are my glasses? Says I, Your guess is as good as mine. He indicated that I wasn't thinking correctly to give a cheap bottle of water more consideration than his expensive glasses (even though the lenses are yellowed with age, just like teeth). Well, this is true. I am too tired to know what I'm doing, see above paragraph.

So, all in all it was a mixed day. It was too bad to lose the glasses, but the roofer was not plunged to his death, which way beats out glasses plunged to their death. This reminds me of Anne of Green Gables when she walked the ridgepole of a kitchen roof, at her enemies' dare, and fell off. Her best friend rushed to her side, Anne, are you killed? Please tell me if you are killed! I don't want to act this out with the roofer. It was too dark to tell if he finished the second story, but hopefully tomorrow he will be on the first story and my worries will be vastly diminished.

If you ever eat at Nordstom's, go for the Beet Salad. For crying out loud, it was DELICIOUS. How could anyone on earth not love a roasted beet? We've been through this before. You KNOW how I love beets and Lima beans and things like that. I've had a friend tell me that peas taste like dirt and she WILL NOT TOUCH THEM. You could have blown me over. Another friend said, Beets taste like dirt. SAY WHAT?? What's with the dirt association, besides the fact that's where beets and beans grow? (Well, I have to admit, there IS an association, but I leave the dirt in the field, not on the beets.) Don't forget, ya'll, we are LIVING DUST. Don't despise the dirt. Even though beets and peas do NOT taste like dirt. But more power to you if you say they do.

I am WAY too tired to sift through my notes on America's "B"-But-It's-Not-Baseball Pastime. Tomorrow?

KEM of Extraordinary Levels of LOW Energy, Somebody Help Me, PLEASE