In my neighborhood there is a Crime Watch Lady. She gets the scoop. She tours the streets. She's on the prowl 24/7 and she is on a mission. That's because a few years ago her husband went to get in his car to leave for work, he's a doctor, and was met by armed robbers. Who then stormed into the house holding everyone at gunpoint, including a little niece who was visiting. I guess they got rid of the wretches by promising them anything they wanted and begging them not to shoot. Wow, way to start off your day. This hit the newspapers.

Well, of course this lady was totally traumatized. But instead of folding up (as KEM would have most likely done), she got busy. She organized a Neighborhood Watch. She got in her van and took charge. She approaches hoodlum drug boys. They're afraid of her. She writes newsletters and tells us to turn on our porch lights and arranges for educational meetings and plans block parties with K-9 dogs for entertainment. I'm telling you, she's a whiz. I even rode on patrol with her one time. I think, after being with me for two hours, she got the idea I wouldn't be very good at shaking my finger in the faces of delinquent teenagers, 'cause I only got invited to ride one more time, and that only because someone else bailed. Thank goodness I couldn't make it the second time, not my cup of tea, trust me.

But that one time I did ride, and it's a ride, I found out her entire life story, including that she makes a mean pot roast. And furthermore, this lady only has one leg. That's right, she's an amputee. That oughta scare the drug gangs silly; when they see her torpedoing straight ahead on one leg, waving her crutch, they'll scatter like a startled school of minnows, never to gathered as one again. The woman has that certain something . . . presence. Which we know KEM does not have, she can't even get by the Dead Sea Cosmetic Kiosk in the mall. I'm so scary the drug gang would make mincemeat of me in two one hundredths of a second (Olympic talk here).

Well, since I have recently started taking my poor neglected dog on long walks, like we did in the day, we run into the Crime Watch Van. Crime Lady loves to hand out Beggin' Strips to all the dogs she sees, which we are talking plenty of dogs, like the book, Go, Dog, Go! Well, Beggin' Strips are not, in high likelihood, organic. My little Jazzi is so SENSITIVE, just like her ridiculous mother, me. So, I don't really want Beggin' Strips, of perhaps questionable ingredients. But Jazzi wants them. In the worst way. One time I held the Beggin' Strip in my hand and got Jazzi to walk an extra mile, following and panting my Beggin' Strip-laden fist.

Well, Jazzi is the Treat Queen, a little background here. Mike takes her to the bank and the dry cleaners and they hand out Milk Bones. Jazzi scrambles across the car seats and hangs out the window, her little paws a goin', when she realizes she's at the dry cleaners drive-thru or where have you. She positively hyper-ventilates. With her daddy she knows she has a pretty good chance of a daily trip to one or the other. Seriously spoiled. Not to mention she gets treats at home for anything and everything: going potty, being bored, doing a serious walk and not a sniff walk, getting a bath at home, getting a bath at the groomers, going to the vet, going to the pet store where they lavishly hand out new and exciting treats and it's way better than the bank or cleaners, having workmen and guests give her treats so she won't kill them, looking cute, breathing, etc.

Well, tonight the Crime Lady broke up a whole big Beggin' Strip into tiny little pieces, since Jazzi is a tiny little dog (not as tiny as she should be, thus the long walks). She, the Crime Lady, even waited at the stop sign while we walked the half block to the van. This gave her the time to snap up the Strip. But remember, even while I appreciate her kindness and utter devotion, I do not necessarily approve of Beggin' Strips for Jazzi. So, to please her, the Crime Lady, and to please the other her, Jazzi, who is crazy dancing, she catches on fast, I gave Jazzi one little piece. Then I stood and talked while Jazzi did more attractive little dances to get more Strip out of my fist. But I did not buy.

So as we walked home, I was like Hansel and Gretel, dropping pieces of Beggin' Strips on the parkway, very discreetly so Jazzi didn't realize. I'm sure all the neighbors are thrilled about that, ha, ha. The squirrels are gonna have a heyday. Jazzi was convinced that if she hurried home she would get millions of nibbles of Beggin' Strips (I just LOVE the name Beggin' Strips). This is why she was too preoccupied to see her mean mother dropping the treats left and right, like we were lost and would be rescued as police followed the Beggin' Strips Trail. Right to my front door, almost. I sincerely hope the Lovely Crime Lady does not find out my dastardly deed. But she will, she is on it already.

Well, until that third to last line, this story was not a literary exaggeration. It was the whole truth and only the truth.

Had ice skating break tonight. I like a break, I needed it. When the men skated, I became stiff as a board, every muscle tightened to the max. These things just make me so nervous. Once a girl who grew up in Mike's church became Miss Florida and was in the Miss USA pageant. Oh my, I was a 100 car train collision, a personal wreck. She finished in the top 10, and should have won, of course. This, my friends, is how I do competitions. Not real smoothly. NOT like Apollo Anton Ohno. Oh, no, not KEM.

So, tomorrow, which is today, I am all juiced to see more ice skating, now that we have one gold medal under our belt, courtesy of the charming Mr. Lysecek. I think my nerves can calm down some.

Man, I am starving. I am going to go eat an avocado dolloped with mayo and squeeze some orange juice. Here's a good tip: DO NOT BUY Butternut Cookies from Rollin' Oats. They are delectable and you cannot stop eating them, even when they are intended for your neighbors who just moved in next door two weeks ago. Or maybe three.

Crime is under control, but Beggin' Strips and Butternuts are not,
KEM